Howard’s Useful Tips for Kitties

No one can resist an upside down kitty

It is I, Howard.  Mother is writing her new book Blue Murder.  So today I will post one of my more popular columns: Useful Tips for Kitties!  Once you’re done, don’t forget to participate in the Holiday Hop!  You could win books from Mother, a $50 gift certificate or even a brand new Kindle Fire!

Getting Attention from your Human Staff

One trick that works really well is cabinet banging.  Even when Mother is  befuddled — wandering around at 5:56am trying to brew coffee and steel herself for another workday — I have discovered to get attention, stat!  All you have to do is find a cabinet.  Work a paw into the space between door and jamb.  Pull back and — BANG!  The humans will jump every time!  A no fail way to get talked to and probably picked up, if you’re willing to overlook a little insincere threatening.

Correct pre-bang position of cabinet
Cabinet-banging Implements


Oozling is an important skill all kitties should learn.  First, you must creep up upon your prey, silent as the grave.  Then you must gently lower yourself against said prey.  Finally, you seek to meld your own fuzzy goodness into the body of the prey, usually a human staff member or Mother.  If you oozle them sufficiently, they will pet you endlessly and do you bidding thereafter.

Me oozling Mother.  (The lump beneath the covers.)  I am overtaking her will…

Bad Cat-Good Cat

This requires another household cat to be, frankly, an irritant.  Or for you to be so relentlessly cute and cuddly the other cat slips up and looks bad by comparison.  The success of Bad Cat-Good Cat depends entirely on the other felines in your sphere.  I am lucky to have Salem for a big brother.  He stopped caring what Mother thought of him ages ago.  Look at his rude yawn as I politely greet Mother and inquire after her day:

Aren’t I a good wittle kitty by comparison to that beast?

Last But Not Least:  Like Lady Gaga, Strike an Outrageous Pose

I confess I don’t fully understand what’s so odd about the last picture.  But the human staff found it quite amusing.  Humans!  You never really “get” what they’re thinking, do you?


5 thoughts on “Howard’s Useful Tips for Kitties

  1. Howard…it is so awesome of you to give other cats benefits of your feline knowledge of humans. I am sure Gus, GiGi, Shadow, Izzy, Sam, Jessie, and Nina all appreciate.Could some of them possibly come to live with you?

  2. Howard,your big brother looks quite frightening and believable as Bad Cat! Yikes!You are such a Purfect kitty and so kind to share the wisdom of your years.BTW, that last pose reminds me of someone…. it'll come to me.Love

  3. Howard, you are growing up to be such a fine example of cattitude! My cat, Poe, who resembles your big brother only in his outward appearance and is definitely the "good cat" in our household, is especially good at oozling. I hope you and Mother have a lovely day!

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